Advice for Dealing with Anxiety in a Relationship

When you are a person who often experiences anxiety, being in a relationship can sometimes be difficult. This doesn’t mean however that you shouldn’t be in one. I myself have encountered various obstacles overtime whilst being in a long term relationship and experiencing poor mental health. However, I have grown from my experiences over time and have learnt to develop effective methods to deal with anxiety and insecurities to pursue a healthier relationship with both myself and others.

Please note that no matter how much recovery and growth is obtained on your behalf, the growth of a relationship should be shared by both individuals. It is a two-way street, where effort should be given and shown by two people working together to create a harmonious balance. Confrontations or deterioration of a relationship is never any one person’s fault, even when you both have tried your best. Sometimes it is just the universe saying that this wasn’t meant to be in this time or place, and that’s okay because true love comes only after you start to fully love and embrace all of who you are, and work on yourself, for yourself.

In the following paragraphs, I will be talking about common problems/emotions which I believe can often be experienced by those in a relationship who have an anxiety disorder, and offering my advice on the subject.

Paranoia

Paranoia can come in the form of deluded and irrational thoughts due to underlying insecurities. This can range from anything small to anything big, examples include: lying, cheating, withholding of information, feelings of not being cared for or being unwanted, and believing that external people are a threat.

Paranoia and worry has the potential to create massive problems and lack of trust where there needn’t be. Although paranoia can take a stronghold and it isn’t easy to let go of the worry and anxiety associated with this, I can tell you now that you can learn to let it pass and not react to that paranoia. For it is when we react, that we have the potential to create friction and distance between us and the ones which we love. It is also when we react, that we choose to let this paranoia take full reign, and control of our feelings and behaviour, potentially damaging our relationships.

Advice:

• When you feel a particularly worrying thought come into mind, instead of reacting on that thought straight away, pause for a while and really take time to acknowledge that thought. Ask yourself why you may be having this thought and feeling so anxious about it, is it a realistic thought and do you have a valid reason to feel this way about your partner or your relationship? It is important you do this until you find an answer. If the answer is no, then you can take a deep breath, and let that thought go knowing that it was just your insecurities forcing you to feel this way. You have no real reason to give energy to a thought that won’t benefit you, and instead only burden you. If the answer is yes however, I still want you to take that deep breath and know that it’ll be okay. You have every right to feel worry and anxiety in your relationship, especially when you have reason to due to a certain issue or behaviour encountered between you and your loved one. However, it is important not to let anger or frustration get the best of you. This just means that you both need to communicate in a calm and safe environment and manner, where you can both hear each other out and work towards an understanding. You need to be willing to hear their side as well as yours, because remember – everyone processes things differently.

• Remember why you are with your partner, and how they make you feel. Remember the love you receive from them, and the moments of happiness shared together, in times of anxiety. Let those positive thoughts flood your mind, and take you to a place of love and warmth. Know that people generally do not give their energy to others they don’t care about or think are worthy of it. You are worth it.

• Talk to someone. Now I know this can be a little difficult sometimes, but just being able to get those negative thoughts out of your head can help you immensely and give you a sense of relief. More often than not, the people that love you will tell you the truth. Sometimes it’s good to hear a third parties opinion and get their advice on whether what you are thinking or feeling is worth acting on, or if it may be just an insecurity. Getting reassurance from people when you have constant damaging thoughts whispering into your ear, can help ground you. You don’t even need to talk about the paranoia you are experiencing if this is too difficult for you, even just talking to someone can help distract you until those thoughts pass.

Obsession Obsessive love. Now when I talk about obsessive love, I don’t mean telling your partner that you love them every day, or constantly sending texts/emails, holding your partner in a high regard, or even talking about the future with them constantly. What I mean by obsessive love is acting in a way that is so obsessive towards your partner that it leads to jealousy, control issues, delusions, erosion of other social relationships and activities, and aggression. Common examples of this include: perceiving someone spending time with or talking to your partner as a threat, trying to control various aspects of their lives such as spending time with their friends, going out, or spending money. Focusing so much on your partner that you have difficulty focusing on anything else including education, work, physical health and friendships. And becoming aggressive when your partner refuses to adhere to your ‘terms and conditions’. Advice:

• The number one thing I can advise for people going through this, is counselling both for yourself as an individual, and with your partner. A lot of obsession can grow from low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy, these issues need to be worked out first before the relationship can grow into a comfortable place to trust one another in, and not feel trapped by each other’s presence. In any healthy relationship, we need to give room for each other to grow as individuals.

• The problem with obsession is that it leads to dependency and co-dependency, this is impacting as it limits your ability to feel confident in being independent and in doing things for yourself, by yourself, without your partner around. Remember that being independent does not mean being alone. Rising above your anxiety and learning how to take care of yourself, and do things for yourself in order to recover and show yourself self-love, is one of the most rewarding experiences you will find.

• Communicate with your partner in a calm manner, and discuss your worries together as a couple. Aggressive behaviour can only get you so far, love is not shown by laying hands on one another or raising your voice, in fact, it is a deterrent and your partner will only feel further isolated, afraid and like they cannot be honest with you. Taking out your anxiety and obsessions onto someone else, is a horrible and damaging experience, which isn’t fair on anyone. Rise above your anxiety, and instead of letting your obsession control your behaviour, take a deep breath and begin to speak to each other, with the aim of understanding.

Trust Issues

People with anxiety will often find that it is hard to open up to people and trust them, sometimes this doesn’t change whether you’re in a relationship or not. Trusting people may always be difficult for someone who has anxiety, however, when you are in a relationship it can sometimes be damaging.

Learning to talk about your trust issues with your partner, and engaging in more positive experiences together can lead to a healthier relationship where trust is easily exchanged. Sometimes learning how to trust someone can take time, especially when people have broken it in the past, however, don’t let this deter you from trying. Any improvement whether big or small, is still an improvement. It is important that your partner also understands this, as lacking trust in your partner can lead to negative feelings on their end also. Communication is key in this regard.

Advice:

• Keep in mind that developing trust with anyone fully may take time. You are not a failure nor should you be disappointed if you still experience trust issues, you are TRYING after all, and in the end that matters so much. Your trust will grow in time and with more exposure to positive events and situations with your loved one. Be patient

• Communicate to your partner that you have these issues as soon as possible, so that you are both on the same page. Understanding your situation will help them understand how you feel and why you might be inclined to act a certain way in different situations. Let them know that it isn’t their fault, it is just something that you are trying to work through and you would appreciate their support.

• Expose yourself to situations which test your trust in your partner. Now I know some of you may have read that and said “nope” straight away, but believe me, this works, and it will help solidify your trust in your partner further. By doing this, and achieving positive outcomes once the situation is over, you will learn to understand that you don’t need to worry so much about that specific situation anymore. The more you do this, the more comfortable you will become with your partner and easier it will be to work through your triggers.

• Counselling. Being able to talk out your trust issues, with a professional that can give you quality advice is a worthwhile experience. They may offer you some good coping methods, and better ways of dealing with these trust issues when they arise. If your partner feels comfortable also, take them in for a session and work out these issues together as a couple.

Clinginess

Now I understand. You love your partner so much that you can’t help but want to be around them 24/7 and talk to them all the time. But please remember that your partner has a life as well, as do you! And you both deserve to reserve time for yourself, in order to do the things in which you love, and give yourself time to relax and recharge.

Clinginess can sometimes arise from fear of losing someone, and can be accompanied by trust issues and obsessive love. Often clinginess can have an adverse effect, even if you think you are just showing your partner how much you love them. People need their personal space at times, this does not mean that they do not love you. In fact, they will more likely feel grateful for allowing them to take some time for themselves, they need to practice self-love and care too!

Advice:

• Above all else, you are the most important person you will ever meet. Take your attention away from trying to please others and satisfy your relationships. Instead, take time out for yourself, so that you can reflect and act on the things that you love and enjoy. The more attention you give to others sometimes, the less you give to yourself. Press pause, and do something for you.

• Take up a new hobby. Finding something which you can devote your time and energy to, will allow you to obsess less on always being around your partner. The more that you keep yourself occupied and give yourself positive experiences and hobbies to pursue, the more you both get to experience what you love whilst still being in a devoted relationship with each other. You will even have more to talk about, which definitely improves upon communication. No doubt your partner will also find it impressive that you are independently pursuing something that you are passionate about or find joy in.

• Spend more time with your friends and family! When we attach ourselves too much to the person we are dating, this can sometimes take away from our other relationships. Find time to spend with those you love besides your partner. Your other relationships are just as important, and should not be overlooked. Great friendships are forged through bonding and sharing new experiences together.

Anger/frustration

Now we have all experienced some form of frustration or anger in a relationship. However, it is when our anxiety forces us to lash out and hold onto that frustration, that it gets the better of us. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, those that suffer from anxiety can feel restless and irritable easily.

Whether it’s something small or big, the triggers which set us off can be fairly impacting upon ourselves and those around us. Far too many relationships can erode by not dealing with this anger and frustration within us. It can be like a game of tug of war with our anxiety sometimes, we know we shouldn’t be feeling so angry and frustrated or that we should simply ‘calm down’, but our anxiety just doesn’t care. Learning how to deal with this pent up frustration and restlessness, so that we don’t unintentionally act in a way that produces negative consequences could save you an unnecessary spat with your loved one.

Advice:

• Engage in activities which aim at reducing frustration, anger and restlessness. This could be anything from boxing, meditating, yoga, art projects, writing, etc. Which are all proven to increase your focus while reducing irritability.

• Develop good coping methods to get you through overwhelming feelings of anger and frustration. This could be as simple as having a calming mantra to repeat to yourself, when those feelings do arise, getting some exercise, screaming into or punching your pillow, venting to a close friend, or distracting yourself with some good humour and comedy.

• Note that it is important not to view your partner as the enemy and put all of your frustration on to them. It is not fair on you, or them. Seek alternative methods and help so that you can recover and learn how to effectively deal with your frustration.

Insecurity

Our insecurities can get the better of us at times. For those suffering from anxiety, our insecurities can sometimes deter us from moving forward in our relationship and facing our fears. Our insecurities have the potential to create fear, delusions, frustration and all of the above-mentioned issues.

Although we should try our best to work on our own insecurities in order to feel more confident in ourselves and being in certain situations, it is important that we don’t feel ashamed of them. For example; Instead of viewing my anxiety and insecurities as the enemy, I often view them as my inner child. What I mean by that is, it is little innocent younger me tugging at my leg saying, “don’t, I’m scared”. When this happens, I imagine picking myself up and hugging myself, and I say back “I know you are, but it will be okay. I’m here with you, and we will get through this together”. I then am able to face my fears headon full-heartedly, knowing it will help us grow.

Advice:

• Use my own ‘inner child nurture’ method mentioned above, do not be afraid to explore your inner self - that which we often tuck away. In order to work through our insecurities and fears, we first need to identify them and understand where they stem from. Alternatively, seek other positive coping methods to work through this including counselling, speaking to a friend or family member and repeating mantras and positive affirmations to yourself.

• The best way of overcoming your fears and insecurities in my experience, is facing them head-on and exposing yourself to them as much as possible. In my experience of having social phobia, the more I exposed myself to social situations, the easier it got for me. The same can be applied to insecurities within a relationship.

• Communicate with your partner about your insecurities. I know this can sometimes be difficult or embarrassing, but it’s important that they also have an understanding of what you are going through and why you may feel anxious in certain situations. Working through these insecurities, whilst having their support is incredibly important towards a healthier relationship. ——————————————————— Let us know in the comments below if you have ever experienced anxiety in a relationship. Feel free to share your experience and any helpful tips/advice.