Loving Someone with a Mental Illness | My Journey & Advice

Relationships and Mental Health

Relationships are never easy and require work to keep them running smoothly, however, this can become even more challenging when your significant other is battling poor mental health. From my own experience, I found it incredibly challenging in the beginning. I didn’t know enough about mental illness and how to properly care and respond to someone who had it. I made bad choices because of my own frustrations and inability to be empathetic towards what was going on, because I didn’t fully understand it. I guess it took me years to start getting it right.

******SUICIDE TRIGGER WARNING********

I think the biggest turning point for me was when I first watched a TV show called 13 Reasons Why. The show is about a girl who leaves tapes behind after she commits suicide, telling her story about the events that led up to it. The final episode of the show visualizes how the main character Hannah ended her own life. My partner had walked out of the room during this scene, and upon her return came back to find that I was slumped over and had massively been affected by this scene. I kept replaying in my head all the times that I had responded poorly whenever my partner was experiencing severe episodes and how easily this could have happened to her if she wasn’t as resilient as she was. It was a devastating realization, and really hit home. I still cannot watch this scene without feeling extreme unease. Since this event I have actively attempted to change my responses in times of troubles, and show more awareness for what others who have a mental illness or are experiencing poor mental health may be going through on a daily basis.

Background

My partner suffers from depression, social anxiety and complex trauma. A terrible concoction of things to have. Being in a “normal” relationship can be difficult but being as young and naive as I was in the past didn’t make it any easier. I was always an outgoing person despite whatever was going on with me. My partner due to her condition was often mute and detached and unable to share as much or be relaxed or trusting enough to share things openly with me. At the beginning, it was incredibly difficult as I had no idea as to what was going on. She was unable to share things openly with me and was reluctant to talk about herself on a personal level. Social anxiety was something I identified as a major struggle for her. It left my partner feeling paranoid or frustrated about even the littlest of things. It made it take 1 hour to leave home instead of 20 min or left her questioning my integrity and loyalty. At the time it also made it harder to open up at my end and be open when the other person couldn’t. More often than not you are left to question what you did or said that was wrong and impacted them so negatively. But you often forget that it’s actually so much more than that, and most often than not less to do with something you did. Which is why it is so important to identify triggers for someone with a mental illness and actively avoid them. My partner suffers from complex trauma, there were times in the past when I didn’t want to deal with what was going on in her world because I was also struggling with my own issues and in my own frustrations pushed her away when she needed me the most. Looking back on it, it was without a doubt the worst choice I had ever made. I am a person that likes to help others and I failed to support someone I truly cared about, because in the moment I was temporarily overwhelmed. I don’t always make the right choices or openly discuss things despite it being necessary at times purely because I prefer to deflect the situation or focus on other things than facing any issues that arise head-on. This defensive mechanism I employ only really benefited me and made it difficult to be trusted at the best of times and I didn’t like to openly share things. I realized over time though that trust is something to be earned not gained, and when someone who has had trust issues all their life is finally able to place their full trust in you, it is honestly worth the patience and effort.

My hardest days

Being in a relationship of any kind can come with its challenges, and yes sometimes being in one with someone dealing with mental health issues can be extremely difficult and at times debilitating, but this does not mean that you shouldn’t continue to love them and work at it. The hardest days usually for me are the ones I feel powerless to change when my partner is in such a state where nothing I do can make a difference. Those are the hardest days because I want to help and all I can do is sit there, listen and watch it unfold before me. It’s not easy, as I want to be able to make her happy and be comfortable and safe but unfortunately, sometimes your mind can play tricks on you and makes you shut others out.

My advice

By no means am I someone who is qualified to provide advice based on expert knowledge, however, these are some tips from my own experience which may help.

• Think things through: as hard as it can be sometimes to take a second to work it out and work through it. You need to stop and think before speaking because someone battling with mental health issues can turn something that you say into a different interpretation based on your tone or body language as well as your words.

• Hugs matter a lot but only when they are ready: commonly those going through an anxiety attack or high-stress situation don’t want to be touched so just sit them down and calm them down as best as you can and touch them only when they are ready.

• Reassurance means a lot: quite easy is it for people battling poor mental health to start feeling paranoid and anxious over every little thing and an easy thing you can do is to tell them how much you care and love them and make them feel appreciated.

• Yelling doesn’t help: a common mistake I made due to my own frustrations and lack of education. But try your best not to raise your voice during an argument, and instead discuss it openly and calmly. Yelling can often be a trigger for people experiencing poor mental health, it can also contribute to and intensify an anxiety attack which makes the situation much worse and causes unneccessary harm.

• Are you ok?: sometimes this statement can become a bit annoying to those with mental health issues but in saying that I can make them feel cared for and safe knowing that someone cares for them. Don’t ask it every day or every minute, just check-up when it’s necessary or you see them being a bit anxious or acting differently than their usual selves.

• Make sure to be open: as hard as it can be to open up about what’s going on in your life, you need to be especially with someone who has mental health issues. Due to certain circumstances or behaviours, a person with poor mental health may begin to overanalyze and become anxious over why you are choosing not to share something, which may further turn into an argument which could have been prevented.

• The little things matter: the little things like your body language or your tone of voice or choice of wording can make someone with mental health issues on edge. Every piece of what you do can form either the right or wrong puzzle. Sometimes you need to be a bit more conscious and aware of what you’re doing.