'My Story' - A Reflection on Life with Depression and AOD

I have had depression all of my life, and have always felt that I was in a downward spiral. I was never truly happy for a long time and had many negative thoughts of myself. I doubted everything, from the friends I had, to the love my family had for me. I felt like I always had to impress my friends and family and be someone I wasn’t in order for them to like me.

Eventually, I did the one thing I thought I wouldn’t and turned to alcohol and drugs, in an attempt to feel better. In the short term, it made things feel bearable, but the after-effects were horrific.

I honestly hated everything about myself.

I could barely look at myself in the mirror, I just hated it.

I work as an ambassador, so public speaking is very easy for me, however, it all proved too much when I was made a part of a professional advertising campaign. There were so many photographers and videographers as a result I felt uncomfortable and agitated. However, the campaign proceeded and soon enough I was all over the internet. I saw myself in all those photos and suddenly all those negative thoughts about my weight and body image became overwhelming!

I knew that this constant cycle of self - hate was going to kill me and that I needed to do something so that next time this happens I would never feel that way. I was online when I was watching a video from ‘CowChop’ (they are a group on YouTube that make funny video and gaming video) where they were at a gym and speaking about how exercise can improve a person’s mood. So I eventually embarked on this fitness program, where I started exercising every day and maintaining a strict, healthy diet.

Without even realising it, over the course of this fitness journey, many of those negative thoughts and perceptions which I had about myself seemed to disappear. I had a goal I wanted to achieve and a vision, solely for myself and not anyone else.

I know I have such a long way to go and so many mental battles to face, but in seeing just how far I have come, and the progress I have made towards self-care and recovery, I cannot wait to see how I improve next.