An amazing and inspiring Polynesian woman shares her experience of being a Child Sexual Assault Survivor in this interview. Whilst reflecting on her own experience of trauma and journey towards healing, she expresses her passion for this often unacknowledged topic and encourages fellow survivors to seek support for their trauma, and for others to act as informed allies. This is ‘Her Voice'.
**TRIGGER WARNING – ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND ABUSE**
Can you define child abuse/ childhood trauma and sexual assault in your own words? How and when did you come to learn about this?
Child abuse/childhood trauma is any behaviour that can harm a child under the ages of 18. This can include different forms of abuse including physical, sexual & emotional. Childhood trauma also tends to stem from childhood experiences that have affected a child in a deeply distressing & disturbing way.
Sexual assault is when someone forces themselves onto another person, performing sexual acts without their consent.
I was made aware of this at the age of 11 years old turning 12. I did not fully understand the seriousness of it until I was 14 years old, where I was able to fully comprehend what I experienced and went through.
Can you tell us a bit about your own personal experience of child abuse/sexual abuse?
I remember the first time it had happened - I knew instantly it wasn’t right or normal at all. I was lost for words and I felt so mute. I froze in complete shock and in that moment all I could do was cry. I knew this situation wasn’t right, however, felt powerless to do anything. I was also scared to say anything and speak out. I felt so stuck, so small and disgusting. I had just turned 12 years old around this time, and this experience had forced me to mature quite quickly. I grew up faster than I should have. I wasn’t able to experience adolescence in its entirety - I was already acting/thinking like an adult, despite still being in a teenager’s body. It was weird.
The effects that came with my experience were horrific. I never looked at males the same and believed at the time that they were all disgusting pigs. All the crushes I thought that I had on any boys were dismissed quickly, until I started secretly dating in high school where my perspective began to change about males. I was validated and made to feel important and not just used for my body. I only fully understood what I went through when I turned 14 years old, after this realization I tried to make sure I was heard. I would tell my mum that someone would touch my leg at night hoping that it would prompt her to sit me down and ask questions, however, she never did. I even made sure that I said it in front of her and the abuser (my mum’s husband) so he was aware that I knew what he had done to me. That’s when he stopped, because he knew that I was then fully aware.
I attempted suicide - drinking bleach and cleaning products, however, it just burnt my mouth instead. I was so mad at the time that I was still alive and dealing with this. I felt indifferent towards any sort of affection I was given and struggled to give affection back, nothing felt quite right. My boyfriend at the time was such an affectionate person and I struggled with him being that way and him expecting affection back from me. However, thanks to him I was able to feel safe and loved for the first time growing up with my mum.
I realised over time that the abuser would get me into trouble a lot - I would say it was out of jealousy and knowing that he couldn’t control me anymore. He would tell my mum that I was always talking to boys and wasn’t listening in church and other activities we attended. Because of this, my phone got taken away. My relationship with my mum never improved and we could never have a positive relationship because I blamed her for me having to go through this and worse - having to go through it alone.
My cousins owned a shop that I would help out with occasionally. This was my safe haven. Whenever my cousins would travel overseas, it made me so happy because I knew I would be looking after the shop which meant I would barely be home. I would do anything just to be there and work even when I wasn’t needed sometimes, I just never wanted to be home. I would sometimes go there after school just to be there for a couple of hours even. I would stay back at school late, tell lies that I had tutorials after school and that I was going to a friend’s house to study - which I genuinely was, however, it was also to get away from being home. I would go to youth programs and made sure I tried to be there earlier than needed and even tried staying there as late as I could just to avoid being home. I was so depressed.
My grades in school dropped and I got into a fight with a girl in school all out of resentment and anger. I deliberately didn’t do well throughout a semester of school. I felt that I dropped so many hints to my mum about was happening to me and that we needed to talk, however, we never did. Church was also my safe haven. I gravitated towards all youth programs because it made me feel better about myself and the situation I was in. I always got jealous when I saw youth with their parents and families together. I felt so alone, broken and unworthy of anything.
I always thought it was my fault and blamed myself. I never had confidence after being sexually abused. I was severely depressed and gained so much weight by eating my triggers away. After I finally found the courage to speak to someone about it after years, I was bashed by my own mother. I went to church the following day with a bruised lip. One of the leaders saw it, however never asked. I know a lot of people were probably made aware of my situation, however, they did nothing to help me or get me out of that situation. That’s what saddens me the most.
My mother was mad that I mentioned her husband’s name, and had told a relative of mine that I was only doing it for attention. I was so upset and hurt. She told me never to speak about it again and that if anybody asked, to say it was just a dream and that it never took place. Nobody ever knew what was going on or to what extent I was being sexually violated - not just by 1 but 4 people. The abuser’s father would touch my private parts and force me to kiss him and feel his private parts. The abuser’s cousin, my brother’s uncle never touched me but would show me his private parts. The abuser’s other cousin would kiss me and show me his private parts too. I guess it ran within the family.
After things settled down after that episode, I was sat down for 2 minutes and asked whether I wanted my mum to leave him. At that time, I had said no for the sake of my little brothers. I was annoyed at being asked that question by an adult when I was the child at the time, yet I was given the responsibility to decide what should happen when in my head it should’ve been automatic for my mother to leave him. That didn’t happen. It was swept under the carpet and things went back to normal. No apologies from anybody.
Did you ever receive or seek out support for your experience of abuse and how?
I wouldn’t say I received support whatsoever at the time. A relative of mine was the one who told my mum about what was happening to me, however, I felt she couldn’t do much because of her relationship with my mum. There wasn’t an opportunity for me to be taken out of that environment at the time and I didn’t leave that home until roughly 2 years later - after I graduated from school.
It was only until I moved away from that home and to another country that I received full support from family, sought counselling and was able to heal on my own terms knowing I was accepted and loved regardless of what happened. I did seek out support though and confided in a close relative. She did the best that she could at the time. My mother failed me.
Did you ever disclose your abuse to anyone growing up and do you feel that they provided you with the amount of support and sensitivity you needed at the time?
I did. I mentioned it to a cousin of mine who then told my mum. I only did this at the time in hopes that my aunty would take me back overseas with her. I told another cousin who then told her mum, and that’s when she approached my mother about what was said. I didn’t feel there was any type of sensitivity when it was brought up.
Now that I’m older and in a better place, I am more open about my experience of abuse in hopes that it can help others with a similar situation. After years of being away from the environment I was abused in, I finally opened up to a close family relative and was provided with all the support and sensitivity that should have always been there when I first opened up about my assault.
How has your experience of childhood abuse/sexual abuse impacted your mental and physical health as well as relationships in the past or present?
I would say that my mental health has been impacted the most. It took me years to finally accept that it wasn’t my fault and that I am worthy to be loved by someone for myself and not just my body. It also took me so many years to accept my body. There was a lot of low self-esteem and low confidence. The abuse definitely affected the relationships I had with everyone. I never knew who to trust in fear I would get judged and people found it hard to communicate with me sometimes because I refused to open up. I would shut down a lot and not let anybody in when I was struggling (during triggers). I was so moody. It affected the relationship I had whilst dating back in high school because I could never show affection, let alone be very affectionate towards him. This resulted in him questioning whether I truly liked him. I was also scared to open up to any guy because for some reason I thought that they would run away when they found out that I was sexually abused. That was my way of thinking at the time.
What has helped you the most in healing from this type of trauma and where are you currently in your wellness journey?
I have my days. Some worse than others. I get the occasional triggers but nowhere as many as I used to. I’ve forgiven the abuser but will never forget the trauma I went through because of him. With the support of family, friends and those I associate myself with and are aware, I know I have a place to talk about my triggers and to that I am very grateful for. What has helped me heal from my trauma is dealing with my triggers on my own terms and in my own way without someone telling me how I should go about healing and what I should do to find support. Currently, I am living my best life and I am happy with how far I have come. I’ve accepted what happened in the past and I have moved on from it. Yes, I still get emotional and still have certain triggers, however my mental health is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. I no longer shy away from this topic and I am confident in myself and who I am today. I’m also still learning to love my body.
From your own experience, what are some factors that you believe make it difficult for people to seek support and heal from this type of abuse/trauma?
- No support from family or friends
- As Polynesians, having strict parents is a major factor because you’re scared to approach them especially with a subject such as sexual abuse
- Fear of nobody believing you. I wish someone told me back then that they believed in me. Nobody ever said those words so it left me wondering whether it was my fault.
- Lack of sex education in schools. Victims I know including myself and before turning 14 years old assumed that this type of abuse was “normal” in families, even though it felt wrong.
- Not knowing what resources are available to help you
- This is common in the Polynesian community and it is often being swept under the carpet because parents/families are worried about their reputation and about what others will say and think. They tend to not place a priority on and think about the victim who was just abused.
Evidence suggests that indigenous women significantly experience harsher and more frequent forms of abuse than non-indigenous women. As a Polynesian woman, do you feel that culture plays a significant role in this particular topic? How and why?
100%. Like I mentioned, in the Polynesian community, this is such a common thing that happens and especially within the family. I would say 98% of these cases happen within the family or is perpetrated by somebody the victim knows. It’s ALWAYS swept under the carpet. I think we need to be doing better about discussing this when it happens and hold the abuser accountable. Not simply agree with the beliefs of the family, but most importantly abide by the law. I’m not sure why this particular subject is always swept under the carpet rather than dealing with it, however the cycle needs to be broken to stop other possibilities of it happening again.
I’m also aware that this happens everywhere around the world. Some families/people are better about approaching the topic than others and find ways to help the victim where others may shy away from it and find it easier to sweep under the rug.
Is there any advice or resources that you can offer to people who are experiencing or healing from this type of abuse?
I’m nearly in my mid 20s now, it was only last year that I reached out to another victim and to me this was such a big step. Talking to someone who went through it gave me a different type of support and closure. I’m not sure how to describe it. Only they would be able to say the right thing to you and know how you’re thinking, feeling, and what you are experiencing and need to hear.
- Sexual assault is sexual assault and regardless of who the abuser was, they need to be held accountable and dealt with by the law.
- I know opening up is scary, however you need to do it for yourself and your future family. You need to break the cycle.
- I BELIEVE YOU 100%. I wish someone said those words to me back then.
- Don’t let others tell you how to heal and what to do. You do it on your own terms and when you’re ready.
- Speak your story and your truth. Never back down from it even when they say you’re lying.
- You are loved! You’re worth it! You are enough! It was NEVER your fault
- Here’s to STRONG women! May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them. You’re not alone.
Resources available within Victoria: (these will obviously vary depending on where you’re from)
Sexual Assault Crisis Line Crisis Line: 1800 806 292 (free call)
Administration: (03) 9344 2725 / (03) 9344 2744 Fax: (03) 9344 2726
Email: ahcasa@thewomens.org.au www.sacl.com.au
CASA Forum Lists Victorian Centres Against Sexual Assault
www.casa.org.au
Bravehearts Victoria
1800 272 831 or Shepparton Education Team: (03) 5831 2797
Fax (03) 5831 1996
www.bravehearts.org.au
In your opinion, how can people better support people who have experienced this type of abuse and act as an ally?
- Listen and act. Take the necessary steps to take that person out of that environment and let them know you believe them. Reassure them and say those exact words “I believe you”. Nobody would ever come up with such a sick story and lie about being sexually assaulted.
- Don’t make excuses for their abuser, make sure they’re held accountable and report them to the authorities to be dealt with.
- Don’t tell them what they need to do in order to heal. Guide them to the resources available and let them know it’ll be there for them when they’re ready, on their own terms.
- Encourage self-love always!
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