'Healing' - Interview with a Childhood Trauma/ Trauma Survivor

What is trauma/childhood trauma in your words?

My understanding of childhood trauma is any event or experience occurring during childhood that causes a significant amount of distress (often an abnormal level) beyond a child's coping capability and has the potential to leave lasting impacts throughout a persons lifetime.

What do you think are common habits of those who have gone through trauma/childhood trauma?

From what I've personally experienced and come to understand, I believe that those who have experienced a significant amount of trauma throughout their childhood/adolescence whether physical or emotional are quite guarded. I think habits differ from person to person, however, I do believe that there can be a significantly strong correlation between behaviour and thought patterns of those who have suffered a great deal of distress in relation to their trauma.

Some habits formed may include hyperawareness and sensitivities to certain triggers, withdrawal, poor coping skills, inability to speak openly with others, attachment issues, trust issues, poor memory, and struggle to focus and complete tasks.

What is your experience of childhood trauma? And how did this impact your mental health?

My experience of childhood trauma came in the form of neglect, abandonment, and exposure to violence and unstable home environments. I grew up as an only child and never knew my biological father or heritage, and only found out bits through overhearing conversations. I learnt at a very young age that I was unwanted, and saw the decline of my mother who was uneducated, naive and had poor coping methods, as well as her own mental health issues. It is never easy for someone that is young to have to be left with a blanket statement and nothing to do about it. I was born into my first experience of neglect, and as much as I didn't know it at the time, I desperately needed a father figure or anyone to look up to.

Having to explain things to people was always the worst, and I hung my head low every time I needed to. Whenever asked, I would say I didn't have a dad, and left it at that. I had my mother after all during that time, so knowing what I knew felt lucky in a sense that in my mind at least one parent had decided to stay. I was forced to grow up quickly, and hastily grew to see the pain and suffering in those who surrounded me. I learnt about several abusive relationships, crime, anger, financial hardship, secrets and grief of loss very early on in life. I never asked, however always either saw or heard.

My second traumatic experience of neglect occurred when I was around 15 years old. After several instances of arguments and differences experienced between my biological mother and grandmother whom we lived with at the time, my mother and I often talked about living on our own and finding a home for just the two of us. After disagreements with family members, and going to live with an overbearing grandmother, we both shared the common want to start over in life. I smiled at the thought of being able to do that, it was the only thing at the time which I thought could truly make my mother and I happy.

Unfortunately, that dream came to an end very abruptly for me when I came home one day to find that my mother never came home from work. No matter how much I wanted to cling on to hope that our shared dream was still in existence I think deep down I always somehow knew it would never work. I was abandoned. I knew I was left again and unwanted, and no matter how many times I tried to reach out in desperation to my mother she never picked up the phone. Eventually, I gave up and let my hope be buried by the rubble setting into my new prison cell. I was left in a place I so desperately wanted to escape, with an overbearing grandmother and no dreams or ambitions.

I sank into depression, became a selective mute, developed a multitude of anger issues, engaged in binge eating, and I was left with no idea of how to pull myself out of a dark place someone had pushed me into. Eventually, life became meaningless, and I found it easier to convince myself that I didn't belong in it. I was diagnosed at the age of 16 with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Phobia, with the addition of suicidal ideation and self-harm tendencies.

Family and relationships would remain difficult triggers for me for the rest of my life. It was also always easier to say my parents passed away than it was to admit to a stranger that I was abandoned by both of my biological parents. Unfortunately, as much as I despise lying, I am always at some point bound to in order to make others feel more comfortable.

How do you think your experience of childhood trauma has impacted you growing up?

The transition from adolescence into adulthood was especially difficult. Adolescence is a very important part of someone's life when you are dealing with a multitude of internal and external changes. You need support during this period, as it can be difficult to manage everything that is going on in life alone, whether it is physically or socially or emotionally.

Childhood trauma has the ability to delay and rewire your brain completely. Sometimes certain things aren't as easy as it is for others who haven't experienced this kind of trauma, and what may seem easy could be incredibly hard due to the restraints placed on your potential.

Growing up was hard, I'm not going to lie. If you asked me then, I probably would have denied it. However, as an adult now, looking back I wasn't okay. My situation wasn't normal, however back then I had to convince myself that it was and that it didn’t matter as long as I survived.

There are a lot of things which have triggered me and continue to trigger me now due to the impact of my neglect. Some days are harder than others I will admit. Sometimes I get flashbacks, and have to do my best to distract myself constantly. Most of my life has been a struggle to forget because that has always been my coping method, and I’ve become really good at it.

Relationships were always hard, as was convincing myself I was worth anything. When you have trust issues and have put in a lot of effort to create a thick enough wall around yourself for protection, it's extremely difficult to willingly break it down, when you don't know for certain who may hurt you again. Making friends was never easy, in highschool I constantly missed classes and being around others was almost unbearable. Every day until the day I realized I wanted to try and be happy, it felt like the world was grey. I only could see pain and suffering, and the only way I could cope was to make myself feel numb, unfortunately this included my feelings and emotions towards anything and everyone.

I’ve had self-esteem issues all my life, and trouble with talking and coping with anger and fear. I find myself also constantly starting things and always abandoning them halfway, never being able to fully commit to something or focus on completing goals.

There are a lot of habits I’ve come to find are due to my experiences as a child, and sometimes it's hard recognising them and working around them effectively.

What was it like growing up without parents?

Growing up without parents I always felt like there was a large void inside of me which nothing or no one could seem to fill. As a young person, it brought a lot of shame to my reality, and I never thought I could openly speak about it without being seen as the child that was left behind. I felt very uncomfortable around friends and in relationships growing up because as far as I knew they all had parents who were guiding them and caring for them. Every time mothers day and fathers day came around, it was another thing I had to look past, feel uncomfortable about and get over. It was like a constant reminder that they weren’t there.

Growing up without parental love and guidance forced me into a shell and hardened my heart very quickly. I learnt to be independent and find out things on my own because I needed to survive in a world where I knew I wasn’t going to be supported. There was and still often remains a lot of suppression, and unfortunately, when you’ve experienced such traumatic events and loss, your brain tries to protect itself. Unfortunately, a lot of my memories relating to the past are never clear, and it's easier for lines to begin blurring.

Unfortunately not completely being able to embrace my ethnic roots or know who my father is, also constantly leaves me questioning my identity. Part of me will always feel regret and empty, for I feel there is a whole side of me that is unexplored, and I may never get the chance to seek any closure for that. From time to time thoughts also pop in my head, wondering or worrying if one day I will see my mothers name somewhere and find out she has passed away or is suffering.

Luckily though, despite a big loss. I was able to find adult figures who were willing to support and care for me. So I was not without trust and support.

Did you ever seek help for your mental health issues relating to your experience of childhood trauma and neglect?

Unfortunately, a lot of my mental health issues were diagnosed too late, when they already took a great hold over my life. Luckily however before things got too bad, I was removed from an unstable environment and received support in seeking a psychologist to consult with regarding my experience of childhood neglect and trauma. This was around the time I was 16 and I was completely isolated from both my parents and immediate family and left to fend for myself.

I was for the first time, given names to place to what I was feeling and somehow it was almost as if a wave of relief came over me. I consulted regularly with a psychologist up until I was of adult age. *I was put on anti-depressants for a couple of years, however, discontinued any formal help since as I believed I had gotten better and no longer had a need for it.

Looking back, however, I feel I could have benefited from more help transitioning into adulthood.

Did you ever find positive role models growing up?

Growing up as I didn’t have many adult figures to look up to, a lot of them came from TV or social media. I often indulged in media as a form of escape and a way to learn more about people and the world, as I often felt uncomfortable in the real one.

A big role model for me transitioning into adulthood was also the woman that took me in when I was 16 and brought me into her family, my friend/sisters mother, and the reason I can be who I am today. She has battled through her own issues both physically and mentally, and without asking for anything in return gave me everything I needed at the time including shelter, food, support with my education, and financial stability, and most importantly a family.

To this day I look up to her and her ability to selflessly and easily be so accepting of others and constantly work hard for her family. This has often inspired me many times to keep persevering.

Do you feel you have dealt with your trauma as best as you can?

I think there is only so much you can do in due time. Personally, I feel like trauma is something you never fully get over, it definitely leaves a lasting impact. However, it is about finding ways to overcome and push through despite your past and everything that’s happened to you. It is realizing that you are not what you are born into and your past experiences don’t have to define who you are as a person or alternatively you can embrace them as parts of your life that have made you stronger. I feel like I have come a long way and put in a lot of effort to get to where I am. Did I struggle significantly along the way? Yes. Do I still struggle today? Sometimes. But I now can let love in and allow myself to occasionally believe I am worth more than the sum of my parts.

What were the most effective methods in dealing with your trauma?

Unfortunately, my trauma brought me a lot of unwanted mental health issues. Although very impactful upon my daily living, I learnt to deal with them over time. The best yet hardest thing I ever did in order to get better was to speak to someone. Little leaks of information, my thoughts and feelings to a friend, gifted me with the help I needed to remove myself from a bad place. Openly speaking and sharing things would continue to serve as a healing method for me towards recovery.

Having depression and anxiety meant low motivation, low self-esteem and fear. This caused a significant amount of distress and limited me in being able to live my life to my full potential. What helped in these times, was finding someone to connect with. I was lucky at the time to, and it encouraged me to pursue greater things in life. Finding someone to share my story with is what saved me ultimately, and I was glad I pushed myself to be vulnerable. Up until this point music, meditation, writing and finding interest in animation, gave me something enjoyable to give my energy to.

What would you say to others who have experienced any form of childhood trauma, abuse or neglect, and are struggling with their mental health?

Take as much time as you need. Forcing yourself to feel a certain way or to forget your experience of trauma doesn’t work, and won't help you to build positive coping mechanisms to effectively deal with issues relating to this trauma. Life is 10% what you are born into and 90% of what you make it. Just because you are born into a bad situation or an unstable home, it doesn’t mean that those past experiences define you. Whether you have been through physical or emotional abuse or neglect, it is important to know that you are a person of worth no matter what, and nothing and no one can change that. Taking those little steps towards breaking down those barriers surrounding you are undoubtedly difficult, however possible.

No matter how small your steps forward are, they are steps nonetheless and you should be proud of how far you’ve come despite your struggles. Not everyone is out to hurt you, there are those that do love you and care for you, and will be sensitive to your needs, you just need to find the right ones. Loving yourself, however, and making sure your needs above all else are met is of high importance. Practice self-love constantly, and when you are ready in your own time, be open to letting others do the same for you.

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*NEVER discontinue medication without speaking to a medical professional first. This is dangerous and may cause a potential relapse.