'My Social Phobia' - A Reflection on Life with Social Anxiety Disorder

**Self-harm trigger warning**

The most difficult period of my life lasted between the years of 2008-2015, in other words, most of my adolescence. I would also continue to struggle with my personal experiences and poor mental health into adulthood. Unfortunately the difficulties and pressures I felt during this period wouldn’t be diagnosed until the age of 16, which came to me under the names of Major Depressive Disorder and Social Phobia (aka Social Anxiety Disorder), with the addition of suicidal ideation and self- harm. When I was first diagnosed, it was shortly after an extreme panic attack that led to me self-harming, resulting in permanent scarring. I was admitted to an adolescent mental health facility to consult regularly with a psychologist up until I was of adult age, and was put on anti-depressant medication.

Growing up, I was always shy around others, however, like a two-sided coin I could flip easily if I was put into a situation I was comfortable in, which for most of my life meant either being alone or with those I deemed incredibly close to me. Unfortunately, I never found these people until later in life, which often disappointed me as I felt that I had a lot more of myself to share. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when it started, but from very early on in my adolescence I became incredibly afraid of people, and being in any situation involving social interaction, eye contact or risk of embarrassment and judgement. I didn’t know at the time that I had developed Social Phobia.

Unfortunately, this deep-rooted fear, coupled with my low self-esteem and tendencies to constantly over analyse, often rendered me incapable of leaving the comfort of my bedroom. I often missed periods of school because of this, performed poorly academically, never participated in events, had great difficulties making friends or talking to people, and constantly experienced panic attacks. I was a selective mute for years up until I managed to make a meaningful connection with one person.

Social Phobia has the potential to deteriorate your relationships and connection to others as well as the community, it is like wearing a very short chain that roots you to where you stand. It feeds you false information and makes you believe that by standing still and staying in your own bubble you will stay safe. A common belief is that you are constantly wearing your deepest secrets and flaws on the outside, with no way to cover them up. Social Phobia is a constant fear that anything and everything you do is being watched, and the slightest imperfect action you make will be ridiculed by everyone that sees. For me at that time, not being seen at all was the better option than risking having even one person think poorly of me. It is being hyperaware of everything all the time, and feeling so disgusted with your appearance in front of others that you need to cover every inch of your body even when it’s in the middle of summer. It’s standing 30min at your bedroom door willing yourself that it’s okay to open itand head to the kitchen for food, even if someone sees you, and not being able to eat in front of people. It’s having to plan 2 hours ahead to go to the local shops because it takes at least 1 hour on a good day to convince yourself while standing in front of the mirror that you look okay enough in case people see you grab some milk from down the road, and purposely going to all the effort of crossing that road to avoid walking past a group of two people or more, or even someone of the opposite sex.

I personally decided to lay low for most of my life, saying nothing, and hiding from everyone because I felt incredibly inadequate and afraid. I missed opportunities and swallowed my pride and words because I cared so much about pleasing everyone and staying out of the spotlight. I was often the 'quiet girl', or the one who never came to school. Nobody saw who I really was, because I never let them, and I do regret that, but what I regret the most is not learning how to love and forgive myself sooner.

My family relationships deteriorated at an early age, those who I needed the most were indifferent and neglectful, making my feelings of inadequacy and social anxiety heightened throughout my life. I believed for a long time that I had no one and nothing to claim as my own, and that would be my life until the day I died. I spiralled in even further depression, binge eating, anxiety, and suicidal ideation after I had acknowledged that. However, thankfully I was liberated by my best friend and now new family who advocated for me when I couldn’t find the words to stand up for myself and ask for a better quality of life.

Along with my anxiety and depression, I struggled with self-harm for years, and had unwanted thoughts about it even up into my adulthood. A temporary solution to often a life- long challenge isn’t an answer, even though at times, we just want things to go away for a while. Even though I have made significant progress in dealing with and responding to my mental health issues and triggers over time, I still find certain things challenging today, and find particular situations difficult to be in. I have decided that I’m okay with that. I have realized that the road to recovery isn't a short one and that there very well may be many more bumps and episodes of self-doubt along the way. However, I have also concluded that it is necessary for me to continue on this road in order for me to heal and grow.

Social Phobia comes with its many challenges, those who have this diagnosis will know that it is difficult navigating school, keeping a job and maintaining social connections. It often leaves you with missed opportunities and feelings of isolation and loneliness. These are all things I had to learn to cope with and overcome, and what helped me the most was envisioning the life I wanted for myself, writing out small goals which eventually led to bigger ones and most of all exposure therapy to reduce the severity of my anxiety. I did this alone by constantly exposing myself to situations which caused me social anxiety instead of choosing to completely avoid them. Overtime these situations became easier and more comfortable to be in, I not only reduced the severity of my anxiety but also discovered how resilient I was. To this day I continue to willingly expose myself to situations that I am afraid of in order to grow. However, this did not just happen over time, it has taken several years. The journey, however, worth it, knowing that my quality of life hasn't been affected and I can live comfortably despite challenges that may come my way. Please note that exposure therapy is something that should be done under the guidance of a mental health practitioner such as a psychologist, due to the triggering nature of placing yourself in uncomfortable situations, especially if you are prone to having panic attacks.

Thankfully today, I have found ways to better cope with my anxiety and triggersa. I accept and love who I am, despite my diagnosis. I know that I am on this earth for a reason and that I can be anything I want to be as long as I believe in myself and my journey. I am proud of how far I have come in life, despite how long it may have taken me and will often try best to remind myself of that, as should everyone.

Looking back at the person I was, I would never have believed that I would come so far to journey in life, alive and well, with family and friends beside me; having graduated university, had multiple jobs and well on my way to establishing a solid career. However, by beginning the healing process I was able to find my voice once again. Despite low periods and feelings of isolation, I continued to persevere deciding that I deserved a more fuller and richer version of life, as everyone does.

I strongly believe that everyone who has suffered some sort of pain, trauma, feelings of helplessness and isolation or is currently dealing with mental health issues, has the potential to build a positive life for themselves and work towards recovery. The burden we bear as individuals is too heavy to last a lifetime carrying, we must endeavour to love and accept ourselves fully and find our purpose on the road to recovery. I encourage you to start now.

~ Herwarcry