'Mindset' – Interview About Chronic Pain, Mental Health and Sports

What is your experience with poor mental health?

My own personal experience with poor mental health included anger-related issues, self frustration, and periods of low mood, relating to injury and chronic pain growing up lasting between the ages of 12 - 21 years old.

Have these issues been formally diagnosed?

My physical conditions have been diagnosed, however, there has not been any diagnoses for any past mental health issues. However, through working in a mental health clinic providing exercise rehab to patients and engaging with clients as well as the social worker there, it became evident that my behaviour and poor mental health was related to my experience of chronic pain for an extended period of time. I saw the correlation and relatability in the patients with whom I worked with.

It made me realize that I may have been struggling with depression and anger issues, which ended up being directed at people or dealt with in an ineffective way.

How has mental health impacted upon your life in the past or presently?

In the past, treating others kindly was hard in times of high stress and frustration. I withdrew and engaged in antisocial behaviour, which others recognised however couldn't understand. I didn’t know how to deal with the feelings I was experiencing, so the best way I could was through pacing and distracting myself constantly with anything I could. Whenever a new injury or ache occurred I was thinking, “here we go again, I’m back to square one”. I didn’t want anyone questioning what was going on, especially since it was hard to open up to people willingly. At the time I wasn’t completely sure myself, why I was feeling the way I did, however, looking back there were quite a few bad things happening mentally.

Most of the time this frustration ended up coming out onto other people especially mum and dad, which they didn’t deserve. I gave others a hard time because I was dealing with a lot and it often made me seem like an angry kid. These issues made relationship’s with others difficult, because at times you cant share what is going on in your head and they question your behaviour or withdrawal. You struggle to appreciate yourself or other’s because of what’s happening to you both mentally and physically. There remains a lot of self-loathing and you tend to get sucked up in your own world, not quite thinking about others. You can often say or do things which are upsetting and neglectful as a result.

Did you seek help for your mental health issues? If so, how?

When I was in high school in 8th or 9th grade, after a big fight at home, my parents asked the psychologist at school to speak with me and ask questions about my behaviour. They sat me down at some stage to ask what was going on, however, I quickly deflected by pretending it was just a normal argument I had with my parents which resulted in my behaviour. This was around the time I was dealing with a bulged disk in my back, which isn’t the ideal situation at 15 years old. I wasn’t confident that the psychologist at the time would understand completely what I was going through, especially the physical aspect and chronic pain. Besides that time I never sought out or received professional help for what I was experiencing mentally.

Were you able to communicate with anyone regarding your mental health issues?

I was able to communicate these mental health issues to good mates and my partner, due to closeness and relatability. My mate had been through similar things, which made it easier to talk about my own issues due to relatability. His openness made it easier to speak out to others.

My partner has been terrific, she has been through her own personal struggles, which circles back to the relatability of dealing with mental anguish. It definitely makes it easier to talk to each other openly about our issues and work through those issues together.

It has always been hard to talk to parents due to the age gap and lack of knowledge, and often different perspectives. Struggling with mental health is personal and I didn't want decisions to be made for me regarding my own mental health or to be sent off somewhere to receive help, because you don’t want others looking at you differently, especially when you're young.

What was the hardest struggle for you whilst having these mental health issues?

The hardest struggle was and still is motivating myself to do the rehab and get it done. You have a lot of days where you think, “here we go again, have to go through the same pain the same issues they’re still there.” Its almost like you're stuck in limbo, not sure how long it's going to be until you get back on your feet, and with added issues that pop up along the way it definitely makes it more difficult and challenging. If something follows one after the other, its a trickle effect and over time that motivation and energy to keep pushing on just goes out the window. It gets harder and harder to get out of bed and motivate yourself to go for a walk or a run. As much as it is difficult, you have to do it to get yourself to where you want to be.

Trying to look past how hard it has been and look at the flip side of doing something you enjoy, is of great importance. Not necessarily because you are good at it, but because you enjoy hanging out with your mates being with your friends and the atmosphere. Sport can make you feel happy and make you realise how lucky you are to be doing it, but it can also make you feel terrible when you aren’t in it. Being able to think of the positives is certainly difficult to do at times, but necessary.

Not standing there and wallowing in your self-pity has also been a big struggle. Too often I get caught up rethinking what I’ve been through and how hard it is to keep going, it is overwhelming at times. The hardest part is trying to find alternatives and coping methods to that behaviour, speaking to someone who can relate to you can be very helpful in that regard. For me, sometimes it's hard at work talking to people who are going through these rehab processes because it brings back my own personal struggles, however, I know that being there as someone to guide them and have someone which they can relate to is also helping them and that’s just everything to me.

What coping methods did you or do you use, were they effective?

Working in the industry has helped me cope with my physical and mental issues a lot, in terms of being able to relate to people. Building better relationships with clients, and helping them through the rehab process keeps you on that relatable level and makes you realise that you can help others who are dealing with chronic pain or in need of rehab. It definitely makes it easier and nicer to know that you are improving their quality of life.

Besides that, hearing others experiences of perseverance on their own physical and mental health journeys has motivated me, and being able to share my thoughts and feelings with those close to me helps me the most.

How did you improve your own mental health over time? What helped you the most?

Getting back and playing footy even though I’ve had 3 ankle surgeries since, gave me a lot. Gave me an outlet, gave me something to push myself towards, a goal, a desire, something to achieve. It gave me direction and purpose. If I ever got pain I could say that I worked hard for it and it is what it is. You’ve got a reason to be sore, and playing with your mates makes it easier, having a laugh enjoying yourself and hopefully gaining a win.

Being able to share, makes it bearable. You know there are people you can trust and that makes it easier to talk about the things you are going through, as much as it isn’t easy to open up. At the end of the day, the more you keep inside the more frustration and anger builds up and the more sad and depressed you become. It gives you an outlet and its very comforting knowing that you can say to someone "hey you know what, I'm not doing so well today", or “this and this happened”. You’ve got it out and you can move onto the next day. It makes it that little bit easier to carry on.

In your opinion, how important is having good mental health and efficient coping methods to deal with certain conditions?

It is important, you need to find that power outlet to put those positive reinforcements in place to deter those negative behaviours that can come as a result of you dealing with poor mental and physical health. Without those methods, you do sink back into yourself and into your own shell and can get caught up in your own world. You withdraw and start to blow up from the inside out, start saying and doing the wrong things and if you don’t have those things in place you won't be able to cope. Whether it comes out as hurting yourself, having negative thoughts, getting angry or feeling frustrated at the time. You need to find what works for you even if its as simple as writing thoughts down, going for a walk, or playing a game or talking to someone. Letting things boil up inside you doesn't help you or others around you.

Do you still struggle with these mental health issues presently?

I do still get angry sometimes and frustrated, and unfortunately sometimes it's directed at something or someone, even though it doesn't necessarily mean I'm upset or angry with them or that thing. I just might be experiencing more pain that day than usual for no reason. It comes in spurts at times, because I'm most likely wanting to do something I cannot physically do or that I'm struggling with.

Do you have any advice for others battling with similar issues as you have?

It is difficult sometimes, especially in a sporting environment, whether you are a male or female or somewhere in between, to openly talk to someone. Because you are seen as the top the tree, the people who are involved, a part of a team, playing a sport whether its VFL, AFL, comp whatever. The best ones in the area playing footy, whether you have the talent or not you are being involved. You don’t feel confident opening up in any sporting environment because you don't want to be seen as weak or soft, even though that perception has changed a lot. It is especially hard for guys, and can often be seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately not being able to speak up makes it worse, however, you just have to.

If your involved in rehab open up to someone there, the more you can open up to people the better it gets. The more you internalise things the more it hurts you and those around you. Even in a sporting environment, it can become toxic quickly, especially if your performance is declining, and this could make you feel even worse than you might've felt before. At the end of the day, sport is there to be enjoyed or can even be used as an outlet, it isn't meant to cause pain or anguish.

My advice is to find someone to relate to, whether that means someone at your local club whether it's someone who has had some kind of injury, ask for advice, even physios, doctors, anyone at all. Anyone is able to provide you with some guidance. It doesn't have to mean putting a label on your mental and physical health, it just means that you are better able to share bits of yourself and your story and begin the healing process. The more these thoughts stay in your head, the more chance they have of manifesting into something completely different to what they started off as.

*****WARNING SUICIDE TRIGGER*****

One day after a long day of school having to walk up several flights of stairs with my back flaring up, and after having issues at home I almost walked in front of a car. I was riddled with anger over how much I hated my body and my current situation. Over time opening up to people made my situation easier to bear. Just those little steps taken towards healing, impacted upon my mental health positively. Just focus on taking little steps at a time in order to get better because you can't always keep everything in.

What is it like dealing with chronic pain and how does it affect you mentally and physically?

Chronic pain is something you don't realise how much it can affect you until you have it. I've had two severe bouts of chronic pain and still have chronic pain on both my ankles and in my lower back. When I did my back when I was 15 I struggled for weeks to get around and do day to day things, it limited me. One day it took about 15 minutes to climb 2 sets of stairs. When I describe to people what the pain was like I tell them it is like someone driving knives into your back and kidneys. Both my ankles have chronic instability due to gait and ankle injuries and I had surgery last year to try and stabilise my right ankle.

Last year was nearly as bad as when I did my back. I had chronic inflammation and pain. Weeks off and on from March- November I would often be limping around and struggling to walk up and down the street due to the pain. It made it impossible to enjoy doing any sport or physical activity because the pain was always there and even when it wasn't, you subconsciously think it is. It plays on your mind, a constant worry that if I do something slightly wrong I'll be sorry for a week or two. Mentally and physically it is draining, however, where it gets to you the most is upstairs. Motivation to do simple things often became difficult. I lacked drive particularly last year as I had nothing to strive towards, no goal. I was often angry and frustrated with both of these issues, eventually self- doubt and belief crept in. You are always questioning if it will get better, or if it will stop and your only respite is when you go to bed. There are days now where I have flashbacks to when I did my back or when I've had a serious injury that's left me with pain for a while, it makes me subconsciously guard my body more when I do things. You never can move quite the same again. Everything changes.

What is your experience of physical therapy/exercise rehabilitation and what is it like to be in and out for an extended period of time?

Physical therapy or physio is a great thing when you need to be put back together. It can help a lot to point you in the right direction but with every good thing, there is always a flip-side. The flip-side of this is when you have to keep going back off and on for an extended period - for me 9 years off and on. As much as physical therapy can help, the more often you are back in there with something new, the less motivation and drive you have and you are left with more self-doubt. You're left to ponder what the point is if I'll be back in 2 weeks or 3 months. It makes you not want to do it or even try to be better because you know you'll be back to square one or something else will pop up. The more often you're in rehab the worse it is when you want to try and get out on the field for sport. You never feel ready enough or prepared and end up guarding yourself and making things worse for other areas of your body. Being in rehab drains you mentally and can become a very lonely place to be in if it's just you. I struggled to complete rehab running or rehab in general some days by myself because I didn't have anyone to push me along and make me do it or to just talk to. When you don't have anyone around you that can relate, you just feel trapped in a dark room with no light and no way out.

What was the hardest or some of the hardest days going through the rehab process?

The hardest days are always at the start. When I did my back, every day was difficult until it wasn't. I struggled to do day to day things and more often that of the hardest days were explaining to my coach at cricket what was going on with my body. I held off from saying anything because that meant it was real and no longer something that was just in my head. It was awkward and left me feeling like I had let my team down that I could no longer contribute as much. In regards to my ankles, I had 3 ankle operations spanning from the middle of 2016 to then of last year. The hardest days weren't always the rehab but watching from the sidelines as your footy team goes from in the hunt for finals to bombing out early. One of the hardest days was when I came back to footy after my first operation and the nerves and worries plagued on me. Will my body be okay? How will I go? Can I make a difference? It's draining, you're left with all these thoughts and worries 5 minutes before something you enjoy. Another hard day for me was finding I would be 6 weeks in a moon boot over Christmas and be in 4 months of rehab. This effectively cut my chances of playing footy again for the following year and left me with no end goal or target. This made my rehab process slower than it should have been. When you don't have something to focus on or to return to you don't try as hard. Rehab wise it was hard at times to keep going and do the rehab even if I was sore. You think regularly that you're not getting anywhere or that it isn’t really working because you're not really sure.

What would you say to someone now going through the rehab process that lacks motivation and potentially has developed poor mental health due to injury?

If someone is lacking motivation or is struggling with their rehab, something I like to encourage is finding them a goal to work towards. Although there may be pain, soreness and sweating, they can know it is for a greater good. With anyone related to sport I usually say “do you want to end up with your body shot at 21? Do your rehab, get it done so you can get back to what you enjoy doing most.” Most times it works, sometimes it doesn't. At these times you need to make them look at the bigger picture and focus on the small steps towards that big goal so that they know they are getting somewhere bit by bit. Any step forward whether big or small after all is still a step forward.